


Confessions From A Fallen Angel

by jagermeisterdestiel



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst and Feels, Castiel Realizes His Feelings For Dean Winchester, Dean Has Feelings For Castiel, Dean Has Self-Worth Issues, Fallen Angel Castiel, I'm Sorry Castiel, Love Letters, M/M, POV Castiel, Sad Ending
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-07
Updated: 2017-04-07
Packaged: 2018-10-15 05:52:24
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,169
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10551168
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jagermeisterdestiel/pseuds/jagermeisterdestiel
Summary: In which Castiel writes a letter regarding his feelings for Dean.





	

**Author's Note:**

> First off in advance, I apologize for this sad piece of whatever. Enjoy anyways.

      I'm not sure who this is supposed to go to, but here goes:

  
     I've always imagined life as a precious and valuable thing, but once after the apocalypse, I imagined mine to be sinful and horrid and Hell-worthy. Now, I know my life isn't any of the above, but it's less  _shitty_ than what's expected for someone who went through as much as I have.

  
     I was once an obedient angel of the Lord, willing to complete any order given. That is until my order was to pull Dean Winchester out of Hell. He was the Righteous One and needed to live through his fate, and I was the lucky angel who got to pull him free.

     Dean and his brother Sam taught me the true meaning of life. They taught me to forget destiny. They taught me to play by my own rulebook. They taught me free will.  
Orders were the only things that gave angels meaning. Without orders, Heaven would've been in total chaos due to an absent father and no one to properly rule over us. I managed. I did just fine with the Winchesters and the drunken, old parental figure to the boys, Bobby, and I am still alive. 

     True, I have perished and was resurrected many times, but that's better than the fate I was destined for if I kept up my status as an angel of the Lord. I for one am proud to be a fallen angel.  
I have put the Winchesters through so much, especially Dean. Sam had learned to let go of the pain and learn from it, but Dean was a different story. I remember the beauty of his soul. Dean Winchester was one-of-a-kind--I knew that from the moment I pulled him from Hell and rejoined every piece of ripped flesh and bone torn to shreds by those horrid demon dogs. Dean holds in all of his pain. He's been holding it all in since the death of his mother. Everything just piles onto one another, and not even an angel could cure him of that.

     For someone who has been hurt and broken every possible way, Dean held a lot of trust and loyalty. If you were shown worthy to him, he'd automatically trust you; you just had to earn it. I did just that. I earned his trust by disobeying for him. He continued to trust me even when I was betraying him. He is a very loyal human being, but not as forgiving. I broke Dean's heart, trying to save him. I tried doing the right thing, but releasing souls from Purgatory was nowhere near it. I was trying to stop the Apocolypse from occurring. If I were to have lost the war in Heaven, Raphael would've made sure the war happened, and that Dean and Sam played their parts.

      I could never ask Dean to forgive me for that, though I tried. I fixed Sam and took on his pain myself. Dean was sure grateful for that, but he was still hesitant to trust me. If I were him, I'm sure I would've been to. Since I had been lying to him during and after my "attempt" at burning Crowley's bones. I was working with that abomination, and I regret that because, in the end, I had lost Dean's trust and loyalty.  
Our bond was as good as broken during that time, and I still tried so hard to fix it. I was foolish. I knew I couldn't fix it. I mean, I've seen that boy's soul, I knew him better than he knew himself, and there was no way he could've forgiven me in that moment.

     He grew more hesitant when I "lost my marbles" after fixing Sam.

     But I think as the years went by, Dean was growing less hesitant around me, especially since Purgatory. He had fought his way through the forest of evil Godforsaken monsters with a seemingly respectable vampire at his side to find me. He swore he wouldn't leave Purgatory without me. I couldn't let him stay when he had no reason to. We were in there because of me. I brought out the Leviathans. I killed Bobby and millions of others by letting them free. I deserved to stay. 

     I couldn't tell him that. Dean was everything to me, and the fact he actually wanted me again like before made me believe we weren't in Purgatory but back a couple years ago where the routine was different hotel rooms every week and an urgent case, which they always solved. I mean, they were fucking legends. Men of Letters, to be exact. I felt a sense of happiness wash over me for a brief moment. That moment quickly came to an end when Benny interrupted, saying we needed to move.

     Love is an emotion. You can feel loved, you can love--it's all a matter of brain wiring and particular thoughts. I've never got the whole "emotion" thing, being created as an angel and all. Emotions were never important or required. I never felt sorry. I never felt happy. I was content, emotionless as angels should be. The more I fell, the more I understood. Emotions, communication, thoughts--they were all human abilities and wonders, and I was practically human, minus the grace, the wings, and the mojo. I had finally realized that all the sacrifices, the touches, the stares. I was experiencing that exact emotion, love.

     Dean's prayers were something I've never forgotten. I've even gone as far as to catalog each one in a mental book. Prayers of Dean, the longing of Dean. Dean prayed to me without even realizing he was prayer. One simple thought including me without anything warding off his location, I could hear. 

     One that always invaded my mind at the most random times was one he made after he lost Sam. Sam fell in the cage, and I returned to Heaven. Of course, the first month, Dean prayed to me every night, begging me to come down and help him through. I refused each time. The one I always thought about wasn't even a direct prayer--it was a thought. Something directed towards me that Dean probably hoped I'd never actually hear.

    _"Damn you, Castiel, for making me fall."_

     I never knew what it meant. I never knew what he was suggesting at. It haunted me, but I never brought it up because that would mean I was invading Dean's privacy, and we've already had many conversations about that. I mean, I used to watch him while he slept, but that's another story for another occasion. Until I felt love towards the hunter, I never knew what this meant.

     Dean Winchester loved me.

     Maybe that's why he stuck with me, even after I broke his trust. Maybe that's why he kept my coat with him after he assumed I perished. Maybe that's why he needed me.

     Once I made the mistake of trusting Metatron and causing the lockdown of Heaven and the fall of hundreds of angels, I was without power. I could no longer hear Dean's prayers or thoughts towards me. I could no longer sense his emotions by the glimpse of his pure but broken soul. I was oblivious to his thinking as Dean was to mine. Becoming more and more human, I learned to keep things in. I was already doing it subconsciously, but I forced my feelings down because I couldn't sense Dean's anymore.

     Did Dean still love me?

     It was a bit messy in my mind after the fall. I always wondered what Dean was thinking, what Dean was feeling. I even missed seeing his soul. His beautiful soul. It was after everything, after Hell, after the apocalypse, after Purgatory, after the three trials, after the fall of Heaven, after Dean kicked me out of the bunker for the sake of his brother's healing, that it was finally shown. The pent-up fatal emotion, love.

     I didn't realize that it was Dean's way of expressing love at the time (angels and even former angels are apparently very clueless to common human tendencies. how absurd!) I simply asked him if his day was going by okay since they had just finished a nasty hunt and Dean was covered in filth. Dean only smiled and looked up at me from his position on the couch. 

     "Yeah, Cas, I'm good."

     The crinkles next to his eyes were distracting. I always seemed to get distracted by them because, not once, since I had raised Dean from Hell, had I noticed what Dean's quick glance down at my lips meant. I noticed it then and eventually learned that the glances held more than what I had believed all those times. I questioned him,

     "Dean, are my lips fascinating?"

     Dean flushed at that. He did that when he was embarrassed, and I furrowed my eyebrows, trying to figure it out for myself. Why did he get embarrassed?  
The answer popped into my head later that night after everyone had gone their separate ways and into their rooms. I was watching something unfamiliar. Netflix had random content and the beautiful imagery portrayed on the cover of the film was enough to win over my interest. It had to do with love, but I didn't notice. I never noticed important things like that. I was fascinated by the little things, like the pretty cursive writing and the happy smiles on the movie cover.

     There was a man and women who fell for each other but were scared of commitment. I don't remember much else because I was distracted by the thought of Dean. Now, I don't know where the sweet melody came from, but I took it as a sign. A man singing about how I made him smile (I later learned that this melody was the song "Smile" by Uncle Kracker, but that's beside the point). I remembered all the longing stares; I could sense Dean's longing, but I never understood it because of course, I was an oblivious angel and I obviously don't understand a lot. I remembered his simple touches and his pessimistic thinking. He felt he didn't deserve me to save him. But I did, and it was the best my decision of my life. I realized how important Dean was to me, and I knew how important my existence is to him as well. The next thing I knew, my legs were walking out of my room and down the hallway to Dean's door. The faint hum of the air vents was the only sound present as my fist came in contact with his door. A few moments later, a half-asleep Dean answered the door. I felt a shiver run up my spine at the sight of him. His bare bowed legs, a solid gray tee, his hair sticking up everywhere, and simple white sock covering his feet. 

     "Cas?" his voice was husky and laced with surprise but filled me with delight nonetheless, "What is it? It's three in the morning."  
I didn't answer. It's not like I could, I barely knew why I was standing there. I was just about to apologize and just go back to my room when finally, I found my words.  
"Dean, I've noticed your longing for years now. You've seemingly longed for me, and I never understood why because when I sensed it, I was standing right in front of you. You always stare at my lips when you think I don't notice. My question is, how come you haven't taken this to the next level?"

     Dean laughed through his blushing, "Cas, you watch too many chick flicks."

     I furrowed my eyebrows in confusion, but like I said, I know Dean's way of expressing emotions and this was one, this was Dean's way of freeing them. He leaned forward, pressing his lips to mine, and that was the beginning of something special and something remarkable.  
I loved Dean. Always had. Always will. 

     Even now, I am writing this to inform you my love of Dean Winchester, and for you to understand that this was never supposed to happen. When I brought Dean back from Hell, I was never supposed to fall for him. I was lost, and I found myself in the hunter. I am supposed to be his guardian, grace or not, and I have let him down. I would give anything to be able to heal him again. His condition is critical and doctors say he won't make it another week. He should've been more careful. I should've been watching and helping, but I wasn't. I was caught up on seeking revenge for something that I know now is irrelevant. One day, I will see him again. I will make it up to him. There is no Heaven, there is only Hell. And if Dean ends up there, I will find a way to save him, to protect him, like I always have.

     In regards, 

     Castiel, proud guardian angel of the Winchesters


End file.
